Of Marauders and Mischief
by ObsessiveConcierge
Summary: The Marauders James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter try to help James win Lily's heart. Hilarity ensues. Includes fat cupids, fluffy pink bunny slippers, a happy man, and true love. Co-written with 100percentPotter. Not yet finished.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or even pink bunny slippers

Setting: Hogwarts, Gryffindor Common Room

Sirius: These pink bunny slippers make me look hot!

Peter: (Petting them) They're so soft and fluffy…I mean at first they're fluffy and then they're soft. And then it's like a combination of the two! You can't get any softer or fluffier, man!

James: Did you get in the way of a bad Marijuanus Highus Charm?

Remus: Come one Jimmy that isn't a _real _spell.

James: Yes it is _Loopy._

Sirius: You know what's hotter than my slippers? Lily Evans!

James: (snaps 'Z') Oh no you didn't!

Peter: I thought you were gay!

James: Yeah lover-boy.

Sirius: I'm not gay, I'm happy.

Remus: I have to pee.

James: You shouldn't have said that, now Padfoot's going to want to go with you.

Peter: Can I come too?

(Remus, James, and Sirius roll their eyes.)

James: I wasn't being serious, Tard.

Sirius: Guess what tomorrow is? Valentines Day!

James: Oh no! (flattens hair nervously) Do you think Lily would want to go out with me?

Sirius: When house elves fly.

Remus: I can arrange that.

James: Back already?

Remus: Yes, and I heard everything…wait…could you hear me?

(All nod) (Remus blushes)

James: You look like a cupid.

Sirius: Wormtail looks like a Cupid.

James: Bad image! Bad image! (punches Sirius) What did you say that for?

Sirius: It's the truth mate, just face it.

Peter: You think if I actually _did _dress up as a Cupid I could get chicks?

Sirius: Dear God, nobody agree to that.

Remus: You couldn't get a chick if it were the giant squid.

Sirius: The giant squid's a chick?

Remus: Why, you looking?

James: I know how to get Lily's attention!

Sirius: How? A squid?

James: No!

Peter: Then how?

James: I was just trying to get off that subject. Moony don't you have any ideas?

Remus: We could have Peter dress up as a Cupid.

James: He's fat!

Peter: I've been working out recently!

James: What? Your stomach?

Sirius: I thought we were supposed to get that image _out _of our heads. We could serenade her, Prongs. Girls like that stuff.

Remus: So says the Sirius Black Fan Club.

Peter: (pouting about being called fat) James can't sing!

James: Yes I can, _Baby Love my Baby Love-_

Sirius: (covering ears) Stop the insanity!

James: Well if you're so great Padfoot, show me how it's done.

Sirius: All right then, (clears throat).

**I like big butts and I cannot lie,**

**You other brother's can't deny,**

**When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist-**

James: Where did you learn that?

Peter: Can you teach me?

Remus: I don't think she'd like it too much; it sounds like you're calling her fat.

Peter: She is getting a little chubby….

James: (punching Peter repeatedly) Shut up, Stupid!

Sirius: Stupid Cupid, it rhymes…awesome!

Remus: (rolls eyes) You're so easily amused, Padfoot.

Peter: (laughing) Hey, it does rhyme!

James: I think I have an idea!


	2. Chapter 2

Valentine's Day – at breakfast

James: (flattens hair nervously) Do you think she'll like it?

Sirius: Of course, I helped make it.

Remus: Everything you touch turns to gold. Right, Padfoot?

Sirius: Of course.

Fan Girl #1: (falling over table) Sirius! Sirius! Are you taking anyone to Hogsmeade cause I'm-

Fan Girl # 2: (pushes FG #1 away) He's mine!

Fan Girl # 3: No, he's mine! Shove off!

James: (in a mock-gay voice) No, silly gooses! He's mine!

(Girls stop fighting)

Fan Girl #1: I have to finish breakfast.

Fan Girl # 2: Yeah…I have to feed my… ferret.

Fan Girl # 3: Oh…yeah. Um, my mom just…rung and …um my boyfriend just… died.

Sirius: (waves and imitates a "gay" voice) Bye, girls! Oh and by the way, your hair looks really tacky like that.

(Peter is staring at the girls and doesn't realize he just spilled porridge all over his robes.)

Sirius: Get a bib or something, Wormtail. You keep missing your mouth.

Peter: (looks down) Damn!

Remus: Don't use that kind of language around women!

Sirius and James: Women?

James: Last time I checked I was a guy.

Serious: Siriusly.

Remus: Oi, how many times are you going to use that joke?

Sirius: You're just mad cause your name isn't spiffy.

Peter: (laughing) Yeah. Who in their right mind would name their kid Remus?

Remus: The founders of Rome.

James: Moony, is there anything you don't know?

Remus: How you guys can act like such idiots.

Sirius: We're not idiots…we're… creative.

Remus: Oh and _that's_ any help to your situation.

James: What situation?

Remus: The simple fact that this plan will not work.

James: It has to work, Moony! I'm running out of ways to make Lily like me.

Sirius: Surprisingly, the last attempt with the flying pigs didn't turn out.

Remus: Well duh, she said when pigs fly _sarcastically_.

Peter: (mouth full) I thought it was a pretty cute idea.

James: Wormtail, aren't you done eating yet?

Peter: (swallows and grins with food stuck in his teeth) Nope!

Sirius: Don't you ever stop eating?

Remus: The answer is before your very eyes.

(Lily walks by)

Sirius: OK, everyone. Operation Get a Love Life is a go. Repeat, Operation Get a Love Life is a go!

(Remus rolls his eyes. Peter suddenly disappears and two seconds later he's…cupid. Remus is suddenly in a black tuxedo with a violin. Sirius is himself for he has no part but to regain the straightness he lost that breakfast. James also stays the same.)

Hogsmeade

Sirius: (holding a photograph) Hey have you seen my little second cousin? My cousin Andromeda had her a couple weeks ago. Her name's Nymphadora.

Fan Girl # 1: Aw, she's so cute!

Remus: That's a pitiful way to pick up girls. Although, Nymphadora is pretty adorable.

James: You're a pedophile, Remus.

Remus: It's not like I'm going to date her, moron.

James: (grinning) Sure.

Peter: There's Lily.

James: (flattens hair) Here we go! Hey, Evans.

Lily: Go away, Potter.

Peter: (shoots an arrow covered with love potion at Lily but misses) Moony! I need more Love Potion!

Remus: You're a terrible shot. (Tosses potion covered arrow)

(Peter shoots arrow and hits Lily on the butt)

Lily: Ow! What the bloody…oh…James. (Blushes)

James: (whispering) Yes! (Normal) Now, will you go to the teashop with me?

Remus: (shocked) It worked!

Lily: (still blushing) Of course.

(James winks at Remus as he and Lily walk hand in hand to Madam Pudifoot's)

Peter: Where's Sirius? He's got the camera.

Remus: With his fan club.

Sirius: (walking with 3 girls) Hey guys. (Sees James. Girls gasp but he grins) I knew it would work! (Pulls out a camera) This will be something we can show to the kids!

Fan Girl # 1: He's so funny.

Fan Girl # 2: And amazing.

Fan Girl # 3: And…and…

All Fan Girls: Cute!

Remus: What's next, a Sirius parade?

Sirius: Don't be mad, I bet there's a Lupin fan club.

Remus: I hope not.

Sirius: Why not?

Remus: Think about it, Paddy.

Sirius: But what-

Remus: (sighs) Just take some pictures, Sirius.

(Sirius goes camera happy. James gives Sirius an evil glare. Peter doesn't matter much. A purple giraffe appears.)

Remus: Um…What's up with the purple giraffe?

Sirius: You took the words right out of my mouth.

Peter: But ain't it so pretty? I loooove it! (Hugs giraffe)

Meanwhile, in Pudifoot's…

James: Isn't this romantic?

Lily: Everything's romantic when I'm with you James.

James: Will you sign this contract saying you'll be my girlfriend for thirty days?

Lily: Of course, James!

-Outside Remus, Sirius, and Peter watching-

Remus: I wonder how she'll feel when the love potion wears off?

(Peter giggles)

Sirius: Like she's Peter.

Peter: (stops laughing) Huh? What's that supposed to mean?

Sirius: She'll feel like an idiot.

Peter: I'm not an idiot!

Sirius: Then prove it. Who defeated Grindelwald in 1945?

Peter: That's easy!

Sirius: Then who is it?

Peter: Merlin!

Remus: Sorry, Wormtail but it's really Dumbledore.

Meanwhile, in the teashop…

James: Lily, are you all right?

Lily: I'm just fine. (Looks dazed and kisses him) I just have to go to the bathroom. (Runs off leaving a stunned James)

(James does a victory dance.)


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. And I never will. Sniff. Tear.

A/N: Thanks to Avindara Nirvene, stinkabhel, AllHailCheesecake, spiffaliciousrainbox, and OutOfTheCircle for reviewing.

1 ½ Hours Later

Remus: How long do you think he'll be standing there?

Sirius: My guess…two or three.

Remus: Two or three minutes?

Sirius: No, days.

Peter: (holding up Hogwarts, A History) Here! I'm right! Merlin defeated Grimmauld.

Sirius: Grimmauld? That's the name of my house! (Grabs book)

Peter: Hey! (Tries to get it back)

Remus: Anyways it's Grindelwald.

James: (tears up) She left…

Sirius: Oh no… Duck and cover!

Peter: Huh?

James: (steady crescendo) She left! SHE LEFT! I'm not lovable. I wanna girlfriend… I WANT a girlfriend! Padfoot, GET ME A GIRLFRIEND!

Sirius: …Prongs… I'm doing this for your own good. (Shakes James.) GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!

Remus: The Love Potion probably wore off.

James: No dip, Sherlock.

Peter: And you guys think _I'm_ stupid. First off, there's no dip and second his name isn't Sherlock.

Remus: You disgust me.

James: Why does life hate me?

Sirius: (throw his arm around James) Still got the contract?

James: (smiles brightly) Oh yeah!

Remus: What good is a contract that doesn't work?

Sirius: Oh, we'll make it work.

Sirius and James: (evil laugh)

Gryffindor Common Room that evening:

Sirius: Okay, there she is. (Points to Lily)

Remus: (in a sing-song voice) It's not gonna wo-ork.

Sirius: (in same sing-song voice) Shut your pie hole!

Peter: Pie hole? You had pie without me?

James: Learn to breathe through your nose.

Peter: Why?

James: So you can keep your mouth shut. (All laugh except for a blushing Peter. James ruffles hair.) All right. (Flips up collar) Here I go. Hey Evans! (Sits next to her)

Lily: Buggar off, Potter.

James: Did you forget about our contract?

Lily: What are you talking about Potter?

James: You know. The contract we made in Hogsmeade today.

Lily: (eyes narrowing) What contract?

James: I …um…uh…(looks to Marauders for support) Th-this one. I guess. (Pulls contract out of pocket. Lily takes one look at paper and explodes.)

Lily: What the bloody hell is this? You…dirty rotten (punches him repeatedly) I HATE you! Incindio! (She burns contract)

Sirius: We have 500 copies.

Remus: (whispering) Overboard much?

Lily: (eyes twitch) Fine! What do I have to do?

Sirius: Kiss in public!

Remus: Probably hold hands.

Peter: And don't forget pet names!

Lily: (disgusted) Pet names?

Remus: (lip twitching) Yeah. Lily-poo and Jamesie-kins.

Lily: If you _ever_ call me that…

Sirius: Don't worry. He'll be too busy kissing you to say anything.

Lily: In that case, I'll stick with the pet names.

James: She doesn't have to kiss me if she doesn't want to.

Sirius: Are you SERIOUS? You're passing up the opportunity to kiss the girl you've been practically in love with for forever?

Lily: Yeah, that doesn't sound like you…James.

James: (stuttering, teary eyed) She called me James!

Remus: As expected, you _are_ going out.

Sirius: I can't believe it every time I hear it.

Peter: They're going out?

Sirius: Where have you been the past five minutes?

Peter: Getting pie!

Remus: What kind?

Peter: Apple, peach, plum, pear, strawberry rhubarb, raspberry, blueberry, blackberry, elderberry, boysenberry, loganberry, banana, papaya, mango, orange, pineapple-

Remus: Let me rephrase that. What kind _don't_ you have?

Peter: (seriously) Elephant.

Remus: They don't make elephant pie.

Sirius: Just let him have his elephant pie. (Yawns) I'm going to bed.

James: (eyebrows raise, grinning at Lily) Me too.

Lily: Pervert! I'm going to _my_ bed.

Remus: But elephant pie! It's …an endangered species! It's…I'm so confused.

Peter: I didn't get it anyways. (Goes to bed)

Remus: Wait, what? It'd be gross and… and…

Everyone: Go to bed, Remus!

Remus: Fine! I see how it is…

A/N: If some of the wording confuses you, it might be because 100percentPotter wrote it. So ask her. Please review! I can't fix stuff if you don't tell me what sucks about the story.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Yes, I know it's been a while...**

**Disclaimer: Do not own Harry Potter. **

* * *

**-Next Day, Potions-  
**  
James: Where is she?

Sirius: Maybe she got sick from the idea of dating you.

James: Hey! (punches Sirius)

Remus: No, Peter! Not clockwise, _counter clockwise_.

Peter: What clock?

Remus: You have wit...too bad there's only half.

Sirius, James, Peter: What?

Remus: Never mind, guys. It's over your heads.

James: (shrugs) OK. But where do you think she really is?

Peter: (without looking up from his book) Sitting in a bathroom with a bunch of other girls. Talking about her feelings. Cause James was an annoying git by making her sign that contract, and she did like him a little bit but now she can't because he would think that he can pull stunts like that one any time if she even startsbeing nice to him.

(Marauders stare.)

Remus: (incredulously) How do you know this?

Peter: (looks up) Know what?

Sirius: What you just said.

Peter: Oh. Well, I've been reading my mum's magazines and, um...I've been...

James, Sirius, Remus: Been what?

Peter: (whispers, looking uncomfortable) I change into a rat and I go to a girls' bathroom and listen to what they're saying.

James: (a little too loudly) So she really said this?

Snape: No one cares about your personal life, Potter.

James: At least I, unlike you, have a personal life, Snivellus.

Snape: I _do_ have a personal life, Potter. I just don't shout it to the world. It's called 'personal' for a reason.

Sirius: Why does every word outta your mouth sound like nails on a chalkboard?

James: Good one! (high fives Sirius)

Snape: Nothing could be so hideous as that bark of yours, eh, Mutt?

(James, Remus, and Peter gasp)

Sirius: Been meddling with Dark arts again, eh, Snivellus?

Snape: Been taking lessons from mummy, haven't we?

Sirius: I promised I wouldn't say _what_ I did with your mum. Shame you haven't inherited those good looks.

Snape: At least my mother isn't a dog.

Sirius: What's that supposed to mean?

Remus: He's calling your mum a bitch.

Peter: How's that a dog?

James: A female dog, Wormtail, is called a bitch.

Peter: Oh...I don't get it.

Lily: (saunters in and sits down next to James, a frown on her face) (whispers) I hate you. (normal) Good morning.

James: (feeling awkward) Oh, good morning, Lily.

Snape: Hi, Lily.

(Lily glance at him.)

James: Back off, Snivellus.

(Snape gives a beaten puppy look.)

All Slytherin girls: Aww...

Marauders: That's disgusting!

Random Slytherin: Aw, Lily, you know he's cute.

James: Sorry, girls. She's taken. (grins smugly)

Lily: (mouthing) Save me!

James: Do you have a kiss for Daddy?

Lily: That's just creepy.

James: (coughs, looking awkward) Padfoot told me to say that.

Sirius: I did what?

Snape: Could you shut up?

Sirius: (sets down ingredients) What did you say, Snivellus?

Snape: I said shut up.

Remus: You know, if you both shut up, we'd get more work done.

Snape: I could get more done if you weren't here.

Remus: What'd I do?

Sirius: Don't worry about it, Moony. He hates everyone.

Snape: I do not!

Sirius: Name one person you don't hate.

Snape: ...

Sirius: I am smart! Ha ha! (does victory dance)

Snape: Keep telling yourself that, Black.

Slughorn: Look at these wonderful students. Miss Evans, you are truly a master of potions.

Remus: (muttering) And you called me a pedophile.

(Sirius, James, and Peter crack up laughing.)

Slughorn: What's going on over there, gentlemen?

Sirius: (with a serious face) Nothing, sir.

(James and Peter grin like idiots.)

(Remus rolls his eyes)

Peter: Hmmm...I've never seen this color before.

James: (looks at Potion) Huh, I think you should work for Crayola, Wormtail.

Sirius: Why would he work for a cray fish?

James: 'Crayfish?' Honestly, Padfoot, I thought you had a brain.

Lily: James, (walks over to him) that's the pot calling the cauldron black.

Sirius: But I AM Black.

James: No offense, but you're white beyond white.

Sirius: Yes, I is! Yo, my homies!

Remus: That's not black, that's simply a form of jargon. Referring to it as the black race is being racist.

James, Peter, Sirius: Wha?

Sirius: I meant my name...Hey! If you don't like a name, are you namist?

James: Okay, random.

Sirius: Take the name Bertha. Your first thought is a fat lady.

James: Actually, Paddy, I think that's just you.

Remus: That's interesting. The Siriusly Addicted Fans, or SAF, haven't been here yet.

James: Shh! You'll jinx it.

Sirius: I kinda like the fan girls.

Fangirl 300000002: I love you Sirius! I even have a little doll, see? (shows doll) My dog's name is Sirius and my owl's name is Sirius.

James: Do you have a cat?

FG 300000002: Yes...Her name is Roberta.

James: Now I'm being a namist, ugh.

Sirius: Why isn't the cat's name Sirius?

FG3000000002: It's a girl. Siriusa or Siriusina didn't work.

Peter: My potion is bubbling...

James: Shut up, Wormtail.

Peter: It's like seriously bubbling rainbow bubbles.

Sirius: Shut up, wormtail.

Peter: But-but...

All: Shut up, Wor-

Boom! 


End file.
